When I was a child I was endlessly told that I was too sensitive. Even progressing into early adult life, I was always ‘too sensitive’. Let me tell you now, there is nothing wrong with being too sensitive as long as it means that you’re compassionate, empathetic, intuitive, thoughtful. However, although I am all of the above, I use to struggle alot with taking things SO seriously and personally all the time, and alot of this boiled down to lack of self confidence. Confidence was something that I actually didn’t have (mainly because of my skin), although pretended to have. It can be torture sometimes being stuck inside your own head with your own thoughts at the best of times, let alone when your thoughts are so negative towards yourself. Being confident normally boils down to being comfortable. And being comfortable makes you more relaxed about yourself, which in turn stops you being so on edge about what everyone else is thinking about you. Therefore it makes sense that most people who are extra sensitive are also extra self conscious, just like me! But this is an unhealthy way to go about life.

There was a time when I would wake up each morning, look in the mirror and actually tell myself that I was disgusting and ugly. I’d be so mean to myself! Honestly, I would do it to the point that I would make myself so upset, I’d feel on the verge of a breakdown. There were numerous occasions that I would actually end up calling in sick to work because I just couldn’t handle it to leave the house. I would think I was such a fraud for going to work and selling people beauty products, and how dare I when I looked the way I did. The thing I realise now however, is that other people don’t view you in the same way you view yourself. At a time when I was struggling so much with my skin, alot of my friends and family hadn’t even really noticed that my skin was even that bad because of my front. Even now I connect with women and men who I’ve known a lifetime, that had no idea I suffered mentally because of acne. They’d notice that I had had a breakout maybe, but would never know how it affected me so much. This was partly because I would cover up, but mostly because that’s just not what they were looking for when they were speaking to me. On the one hand, that just proves to me that no one’s analysing your appearance apart from yourself . However, on the other hand, it also made me realise that I had become a professional at hiding my issue, and now I realise how unhealthy that was for me. Dealing with a problem is one thing, but bottling up emotions is another. I can’t even tell you how many times I had a breakdown at home, because I had taken a stupid joke the wrong way or something. But actually, It wasn’t the joke at all! It was because I had been holding in this demon of self consciousness so hard, that the slightest thing would eventually push me over the edge and make me explode with emotion. Because I was constantly masking my problem, and dealing with it in silence, the people around me were confused when I had a meltdown over something so minor.

The beginning of this year, I spent a month in Bali with the most amazing circle of women on my Yoga teacher training course. Bali is such a special and humbling place to spend time. Fresh coconut water, the ocean, the jungle, real human connection, spiritualness, and food that was picked fresh. It’s places like Bali that speak to my soul. On top of that I was surround by women from all walks of life, who were all going through there own struggles and who I thought were still all so beautiful. When we all first met, we were complete strangers, all from our own walks of life, and pretty much all from completely different countries and backgrounds. These women became like sisters to me, and over time the circle truly opened up for us all to reveal these dark thoughts which at time we were consumed by. When you’re surrounded by strangers who are bonded by openness and honesty, it creates magic. None of them put me in a partnership with acne, just like I didn’t associate them with the things they were so conscious about. Over weight, underweight….who even cares!! Allowing our ‘flaws’ to consume us is unhealthy and creates nothing but a negative mindset, which lets be honest, makes everything 1000x harder! During this time with my sisters, I learnt to cry. I know, it sounds silly, but I genuinely learnt to unapologetically cry and speak up when I was having a bad day. Learning openness has really contributed to my mindset about myself changing. Support is so important and we should never suffer in silence. When someone we love is upset, we get them to open up and we are kind to them. So why don’t we do this to ourselves? Another thing that all the sudden clicked into place for me during this time was realising, truly believing that we are beyond our bodies. I want to share with you, one of my favourite quotes which I often tell myself when I feel low about my appearance

Our expansive soul is not bound to our physical container

Our body is the just the doors to our temple, the portal that opens to give birth to all the magic of the universe that is kept inside!

The day my mindset changed, my life changed. I use to carry around this imaginary bag with me called ” OLIVIA’S BAD SKIN!! ” and I would take it everywhere with me. I still take the bag with me, because I’m still dealing with the issue; however what used to be a suitcase, is now a tiny coin purse that I keep in my back pocket and only take out when I actually need to. I look in the mirror sometimes now when I’ve had a breakout and still curse ( I’m not going to lie), but I don’t let it consume me. Once you can switch of that button in your mind, of associating yourself with your problem it’s so much easier to become happier and more laid back about the issue. It’s easier said then done, for sure, and it takes time. But I promise you it will happen. If you are reading this, and feel like you suffer in silence at time or something I have touched on resinates with you, take a moment to be kind to yourself and reach out to me. It would be lovely to connect.

x